Must. Sleep.

In the course of a normal sleep cycle, you "wake up" and immediately fall asleep a few times a night. Most of the time, this waking up isn't enough to pull you out of your sleep and you don't even remember it.

Shaggy's sleep cycle has her waking up every night around midnight or as late as 1:30am. When she wakes up, she'll whimper or cry for us to fix something for her. Often, she goes back to sleep immediately if we go in and cover her back up. But at least 40% of the time, she won't go right back to sleep and is up anywhere from one to three hours.

She will cry - which we can tolerate to a point (we don't want her waking up her brother). She will get out of bed and open her door (we have an old house with crystal doorknobs and those doorknob covers don't fit). She will rattle her door (which would wake up her brother if we didn't stop it). She will sing. She will shout for us. Bottom line, when she's awake, we don't go back to sleep until she's back down and asleep.

I cannot take it anymore! Every day, I'm more and more exhausted. I'm continuously grouchy and crabby. My eyes can barely stay open when I drive. I can't formulate sentences to speak. I snap at my children all the time. I snap at my husband and get frustrated with him for things that aren't his fault. I'm so weary all the time that I feel like I'm walking through sand. I make mistakes all the time over stupid stuff. I don't even have the energy for phone conversations. My brain is mush and I feel numb all the time.

I try to take naps while the kids are down but more often than not, they just aren't satisfying and make me feel worse when I wake up. Going to bed earlier at night would be a good idea but I hate it. I hate going to bed at 10pm. I'll just read until 2am, waiting for Shaggy to wake up.

The solution is to make her sleep through the night. I have no idea how to break this cycle. All I know is that for my own sanity, something's got to give and fast.

The first day of the last year

The final year of school for Big M is about to start. Classes begin on Thursday and our countdown to graduation has begun.

I am so very proud of my husband. He had worked long and hard to keep good grades while working, attending school full time and still finding time to be a daddy and a husband. He has passed up opportunities to hang out with coworkers, to be in a fraternity that could help his career, to do all sorts of things in favor of coming home to his wife and children. At times, we came second with his time, but we were always first priority in his efforts. Finishing school means a future for our family - a career in a stable industry.

Last semester was the hardest of all the semesters for this major (Chemical Engineering). It really worked him and at times he felt defeated. His biggest fear has been failing a critical class that would require him to stay in school for an additional year. But he was able to pass, if not master, amazingly difficult classes. This year is supposed to be a breeze, especially compared to last year.

So, here's to an easy final two semesters of school, to successful job hunting and to finishing your degree in Chemical Engineering, my love. I'm so proud of you that it makes me cry with joy, pride and love.

Daddies do it..... different

Big M decided to show me how he blow dries Shaggy's hair.

Shaggy: 3 Momma: 0

"Momma! I need HEWP! I need HEWP! Momma!"

I knew deep down that this was a false alarm, but I went in anyways.

Shaggy: I need pajamas OFF. Need sleeping roses pajamas. (Oh, the irony. Sleeping roses pajamas. If only.)
Me: *laying her down flat and zipping up her pjs once again* Listen. I'm tired of all this....
Shaggy: *cutting me off* I not tired. Not tired. Not tired. Not tired.

I just stared at her. I honestly didn't know what to say. Then she started softly rubbing my hair, while sweetly saying, "Not tired. I not tired Momma." It was so precious and it was the only thing that kept me from calling the gypsies to come get her!

So I stared at her. What do you do? What do you say? Sleep deprivation was taking hold and my reaction time was non-existent. I continued to stare.

Then she started making faces at me.

I bit my lip. I bit the insides of my cheeks. I tried to lower my head. I tried to laugh silently. I made the mistake of looking at her and she bugged her eyes out. I snorted so hard and so loud that she jumped and we both fell out laughing.

The more I laughed, the more she laughed. The more she laughed, the more I knew I was in for a very long night so I laughed some more because of the sheer stupidity of it all.

So I gave in, went to the kitchen and got her some milk. That's what this was really about. She asked for milk an hour and a half ago and I said no.

Fear my mothering and disciplinary skillz.

The saga continues...

(I think I've used that title before... but it's apropos so deal with it.)

Shaggy: Wah wah waaaahh... wimper wimper... waaaah....
Me: *BIG HUGE SIGH OF EXASPERATION BECAUSE I WANT TO SLEEP!*
Shaggy: Wah wah waaaahh... wimper wimper... waaaah....
Me: *storming into her room* What? What's wrong.
Shaggy: I have owie. *digging in her ear*
Me: *melting*
Shaggy: Owiee, Momma.
Me: *a puddle on the floor* Where honey? Where does it hurt?
Shaggy: Right DER. *pointing to her ear*
Me: Where, sweetie?
Shaggy: Right der, Momma. In my dimple.

Hello 2 A.M.

My daughter will not go to sleep!

She keeps taking off her pajamas in favor of some non-existent pair of "flower" pajamas.

I do not doubt that she has pajamas with flowers on them, but at 2am, I have no freakin' clue what she's talking about or where they'd be. So I told her the flower pajamas were dirty and she'd have to survive with Elmo.

She then TOSSED the once-beloved-Elmo pj's to the side with a very stern, "No! That not FLOWER pajamas! That ELMO pajamas."

Yes dear.

We had a power struggle gentle discussion and she is now wearing Elmo pajamas.

The last time I went in her room, she was laying with her butt on her pillow, her feet hanging off the end of the bed kicking the door knob and her pajamas were unzipped to her knees.

She's a wily little thing. Technically, she hadn't broken any of the rules: she was in bed, she was laying down, her pajamas were on her body, and she wasn't singing Twinkle Twinkle at the top of her lungs.

What does it take to beg?

There are a lot of people facing desperate times every day in this country. I've seen it first hand and I've personally lived with the fear of not knowing how I was going to be able to feed and clothe my children at times.

But never, even at our most desperate times, have I begged. Maybe it's pride. I don't know; probably.

Or maybe it's because I know that we can fix it ourselves.

There is no shame in asking for help, which we have done numerous times while my husband has been in school.

I guess my issue is with people who go to complete strangers and say, "Give me. Bring it to me. Don't make me put out any effort."

There is no shame in being poor; but I do feel that there are plenty of ways to help yourself. And I completely understand the catch 22 of not being able to work because of the cost of daycare. But there are still ways to help yourself; even if it's not going to fix all of your financial needs, you can find ways to make some money.

Knowing this, I just don't understand what would cause someone to go before a group of complete strangers and continuously ask, ask, ask. Especially when it's not a group designed for that purpose.

Maybe none of this makes sense. It's after 1am and the kids aren't sleeping tonight. Maybe my frazzled brain isn't coherent. I just know that I'm offended. I can't quite articulate the why. I just am.