Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I cried the entire way home

This really isn't a diabetes blog but since this is the most overwhelming thing happening in my life, naturally I blog about it.

It's been tough. Really hard.

It's not just a change in my diet that is hard -- which it is -- but all the other small and large ways this is impacting my life. I am miserable all the time on so many levels.

There's the logistics of it.
I have to eat all of my meal, with no lingering or grazing or snacking. Then I have to wait two hours to test my blood sugar. I can't eat anything during that time. Most of the time I end up forgetting to test on time. I have to remember to take my short-acting insulin shot before eating, which means I have to remember to bring insulin with me everywhere in case I have to eat suddenly (due to low blood sugar) or if we spontaneously decide to eat out. Also have to remember to take my glucometer with me everywhere so I can test while we're out.

There's the meal planning and deciding what to eat.
I'm terrified of food right now. I feel so limited in what I can and can't eat. But I have to eat a sufficient amount because no food is just as bad for me as the wrong kinds of food or too much food. I feel guilty when I eat - like it's not good enough for what I need. For some reason, nothing tastes good anymore. And boy do I crave certain things, like Coke and cake and milk and and and... and anything that is high in carbs or sugar.

There's the physical reactions.
Having blood sugar lows is a very scary thing. It is miserable. And it usually wipes me out for the rest of the day. Especially if I bounce back with a sugar high after eating to stop the low. It's exhausting. There are times during lows when I can barely stand because my legs are so wobbly; my hands tremble so hard that I can't hold a drink. And my stomach is covered in bruises from the injections. My memory is shot which is scary because there's so much to remember - when did I eat, how much, how much insulin did I take, when do I test, when can I eat again, how much will I need to eat?

Then there's the emotional part.
I'm a mess all the time. I'm grumpy and grouchy. I'm tired. I'm exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. I have so much guilt about food and eating. I'm constantly on Red Alert that my children don't see me taking my shots; I'm just not ready for that yet. I feel very alone in dealing with this and I feel like no one really understands how all consuming this is. Every second of my day is consumed with my diabetes, what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. I feel like I can't even take care of my kids properly -- I'm too tired or I'm afraid I'm going to have a low while I'm out with them and won't be able to take care of them.

So there's my pity party. I'm not angry and I'm not feeling sorry for myself or wailing, "WHY ME???" I'm just sad about all of it and frustrated.

That's why when I had a bad low while at the mall play area with Shaggy this morning, I broke the straw on that poor camel. I started crying as soon as I sat in the driver's seat and didn't stop until after we got back home. It was just too much.

1 comment:

Leigh said...

I am so sorry. I am praying for you - and please know that I am here for you... although you're right, I don't understand what you're going through or what you're feeling, but I want to understand and help in anyway I can.