L5 S1

That is the location of my ruptured disk.

That is where the doctor sliced open my back yesterday morning and removed the ruptured part of the disk.

That will - hopefully - no longer be the epicenter of pain that has ruled my life for the past three years.

Yesterday morning I had a lumbar laminectomy. After years of anti-spasmodics, narcotic and non-narcotic pain killers, anti-inflammatories, chiropractic care and physical therapy, surgery was the only option left. My pain was becoming stronger every day and I was having fewer and fewer days without pain. I didn't want to do surgery but I had finally reached my last resort.

The doctor said that it was a rather large rupture so I'm glad that I had the surgery. I am eager to recover so I can get my life back. I've had so much anger and resentment that my life could come to a screeching halt at any time because of a twinge or turning the slightly the wrong way.

Right now, my recovery involves walking as often as I can, sitting and standing as much as I can tolerate it. It also involves post-op pain but all of the sciatic pain I was feeling.... gone! Poof! I'm not allowed to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk until my follow up appointment on the 13th. I have no desire to lift anything -- it hurts! After the appointment, I'll still have restrictions and will probably do some physical therapy.

I am so determined to do my best to make this surgery a success. I'm not taking any chances; I'm asking for help or just not doing things if I can't do them.

I have a lot of hope and positivity about this surgery. I'm ready to be me again!

Celebies and Veggies

Did you happen to pick up the Carrie Underwood issue of People Magazine? Go grab it and turn to page 96. People wrote an excellent article on Farm to Family, a super cool, mobile farmer's market here in Richmond. We've been patronizing F2F since February and have come to adore Mark and Suzi, the owners.

Then if you happen to glance at the full page photo on page 97.... yep, that's me and my kids!! We're quasi-celebs now!

Back in February, I bought some amazing ground sausage from F2F. It was so delicious, I decided to go back and buy some more to make a sausage and kale soup. The day I happened to make the trip, People Magazine sent a reporter to interview Mark and his customers. I spoke with her for maybe 10 minutes and went on with my shopping. A few weeks later, Suzi left me a message asking if I could bring the kids down the next day for a photo shoot for the article! It was really neat to be involved in the process but issue after issue after issue came out and F2F wasn't in it. I pretty much gave up on seeing the article in print when I got a message from Suzi that it would be in the next issue!

To say that I made a scene in the Walmart when I finally found the new issue would be a bit of an understatement. I had been driving around all day trying to find the new issue when a friend told me she saw it at Walmart.

Farm to Family got some amazing exposure for their eat-local venture. My kids are totally unphased. I'm still pretty tickled by it. I'm really excited for Mark and Suzi and can't wait to see where they go from here.

• Farm to Family website
• Farm to Family on Facebook
• Suzi's Farm to Family Wife blog
• People Magazine preview

Time for an update

Since my last post --

My part-time, seasonal job has ended. Boo hoo at the loss of the paycheck. But there's hope for future work with them so that's great.

We have celebrated my daughter's 4th birthday in style at Chuck E Cheese with lots of friends, an overwhelmingly garlic scented party, and a blue caterpiller cake.

I have forced my dear friend to square up my quilting blocks because I was too chicken to attempt it myself.

Discovered that my truck needs a new "pump". What kind of pump, you might ask. Heck if I know. The kind that keeps my power steering fluid fluid from spraying all over the manifold.

I discovered the Downy Quilts for Kids quilt I was supposed to sew and send back three months ago. Oops. It's almost done. I promise!

Picked a bunch of strawberries, mashed them up and stuck them in the freezer to be eaten with shortcake on my birthday.

My son has gone five nights in a row without wetting the bed. Much rejoicing about this. MUCH rejoicing.

My little garden is chuggin' along. The bell peppers are coming in. I'm seeing lots of blossoms on the tomato plants so hopefully they'll start popping out soon. I routinely trek out to the balcony to gather up fresh basil for my store-bought, frozen pizzas. Ha! That makes me laugh every time.

I started doing some seasonal part-time work about three weeks ago. It's only going to last for another two weeks. In the mean time, my kids aren't adjusting as well as I hoped they would.

My son has been acting out aggressively. He's never been an aggressive child but he has been hitting his sister a lot lately and he's been more apt to hit other children and push them out of his way. I know all kids do this, but it's so out of character for my son that it's a concern.

My daughter tells me almost daily that she is afraid I won't come back home. She asks where I was, why did I have to go, begs me to stay home with her, etc. And when we are home, she's glued to me. If we walk down the apartment stairs and I get more than five steps ahead of her, she's freaks out and screams because I'm too far away and she thinks I'm leaving her behind.

Intellectually, I know that they will adjust (probably just in time for me to stop working). I know I'm doing all the right things to comfort and reassure them. I know that working has been very good for my mental health, and in turn, is helping me be a better mother.

But it still breaks my heart to see the negative impact.

Something positive

It's been one crummy thing after another around our house for the past few years. If I were to list all the bad things that have happened, you'd think I was making it up. Layoffs, illnesses, car trouble, etc, etc. But when something positive comes along, I really try to celebrate it and revel in the fact that good things do happen and you have to keep having hope.

I got a phone call today that my daughter was accepted into the Head Start program at the elemetary school. This is WONDERFUL news!! She is so ready to be in school. She's incredibly jealous that her brother will go to kindergarten in the fall and is desperate to go to school too. They will both be in the same school so they'll see each other in the halls and might even ride the same bus if they start their days at the same time. Best of all, it's free! There's no way we could afford preschool for her so is a huge blessing.

This also means that I can get a small, part-time job in the fall and not have to worry about day care costs.

As much as I am looking forward to summer, I'm almost wishing it was fall already! The kids are so excited about school and I'm just as excited about their enthusiasm and all the wonderful experiences ahead for them.

Day Two Post Trauma

I think I'm still in shock. Not clinical shock, but stunned at what we have all been through over the past few days. My daughter, however, seems to be a human rubberband and has bounced back and is completely back to normal.

We (my husband actually) rearranged the bedroom so that a tall chest of drawers is in front of the window now. It looks weird, but it's safe and I'll take safe over chic design without hesitation.

Yesterday afternoon, I was picking up stuff and walked into the room to hang up Shggy's jacket. Out of habit, I walked towards the window. Just couldn't make it any closer than four feet from the window. I started shaking and crying. I fell asleep last night with visions of that empty window in my head.

This morning, Shaggy came over and asked me for a hug which I happily gave her. Started crying again as I hugged her. But this time it was because I was so thankful that she was unhurt, back home, and back to her normal self.

I have been trying to gently urge Little M to talk about it whenever the time feels right. He saw his sister, his best friend in the world, fall out the window. That had to be scary for him. He has a hard time labeling his emotions so it's even more important that we help him process it. He is so happy to have his sister back though. It's wonderful to see them playing together. He missed her so much while she was in the hospital.

Ease up, wouldya?

2009 was a rough year for our little family. I just *knew* that 2010 would bring brighter and better things to our lives.

Yo. 2010. Ease up on us, would ya please? Throttle back, m'kay?

So far...

• My husband lost his job in January. The restaurant completely shut down and operates no more. He's pretty much still unemployed although he'll be working waiting tables again next week.
• We were informed that we owe over $9,000 to the IRS. Fortunately this is an error on their part and they acknowledge it. But it also means that until it's fixed, they're going to snag our $4,000 return this year and send it back to us once everything is fixed. Nice.
• Our car broke down and required $1,600 worth of repairs (Thank you, Daddy, for help us!!)
• Various illness such as cold and flu have run through our family
• My husband developed a nearly-antibiotic-resistant staph infection and is still dealing with that mess
• My back has gone out numerous times
• We're fighting trying to get Medicaid to approve testing for our son. We're concerend with possible Aspberger's syndrome and some OCD tendencies. So far, Medicaid no wanna.

And today, my three year old daughter fell out her second story bedroom window. She's fine.. no broken bones, no trauma.. she's totally fine.

But seriously... 2010.. start being nice to us!

Okay. I'm done complaining. Now for some positives...

• My children are healthy. This is a huge positive. Huge.
• I have amazingly supportive family and in-laws. Again, a HUGE positive.
• Never in my life have I had such incredible friends as I do right now. My girls -- and you all know who you are -- never fail to be there when I need them. I just hope I can give all of you as much love and support as you give me.
• We have a roof over our heads and two months of rent paid.
• I have an over abundance of love in my life.
• I'm getting healthier and taking much better care of my diabetes.

No matter how defeated I'm feeling, I have so much to be thankful for.

It's been a long week

I started last week off with a cold and a new job. Love the job, don't love the cold. I have really enjoyed getting out of the house and being around other adults. Honestly, going to work has been like a vacation. I chuckled to myself when I thought, "I hope they don't send me home because I'm sick. It's more restful at work than at home!"

This cold has beaten me down though. I was thoroughly exhausted by the time the kids went to bed each night. I was even going to bed before midnight! Now that's tired!

I didn't really get to stick to my menu plan for this past week, but I rarely do. I find that having the menu plan is really helpful though. It eliminates the last minute "what's for dinner" stress for me.

Friday night, a couple friends came over for Nacho Night. Yummo! And an interesting round of "Would You Rather?" left me wondering at our sanity. I mean, really. Would you rather gnaw off a homeless man's toenail or lick his armpit clean? What kind of choice is that??? Would you rather stick your head up an elephant's butt or lick a corpse after an autopsy? Even with such radical decisions placed in our hands, we had a good time hanging, drinking, eating, laughing and sharing.

Then last night, it hit me. The flu. Holy wow, this is not fun! I was shaking so hard from chills that I couldn't hold a glass. And seriously, what gives?? I have a killer cold AND the flu?! With luck like this, I should start buying lotto tickets because something has to go my way, right?

My fever broke a little bit ago but I'm still all shaky and oogie feeling. Hopefully all the sleeping and fluids today will take effect and I'll be good to go in the morning.

Oh, and guess what? I have ANOTHER sewing machine. Yes, that bring the count up to FOUR. I have my Brother which I want to sell. Quilting keeps knocking the needle out of alignment and I can't afford $60-$85 in repair fees every time it messes up. I put the word out that my machine was broken and I was looking for a new one. My friend Georgia gave me an old Singer that was in her attic. I'm pretty sure it's a good machine but it's a tank! I didn't really have an opportunity to figure it out because my bad back prevented me from sewing. And during that time, my grandfather gave me my grandmother's sewing machine. It's a mid-90's Singer and has done a great job so far.

That brings the count to three machines in my dining room.

Then Georgia called again. Would I like a machine in a stand? Ohhh yah baby!! I now have another Singer, in a cabinet, sitting in my living room. I can sew and watch TV!! I haven't had a chance to try it out because I was hit with the flu not long after I got the machine but I'm excited! If if can handle the heavy layers of quilting, I'll use it for binding and thick quilts. But most likely, I'll put my grandmother's machine on top of the closed cabinet and use that one.

Time to lay back down and rest. Or go find clothes to wear to work tomorrow. You don't realize how few clothes you own -- and like -- until you have to start dressing for work every day!

Ask for what you want

I was a bit of surprise and a teensy bit of jealousy when my friend Tara first told me that her full-time work schedule was a 32 hour work week. She had every Friday off and didn't have to make up the hours during the rest of the week. I always wondered how people were able to get such sweet deals like that.

She told me her secret: Ask for it.

Well, duh! How simple!! But I've never really tried to negotiate for anymore beyond salary because my perception was that the companies were rigid in their structure and would be turned off by my demands.

But this time, I did ask.

I applied for a part time position at a great local company here in Richmond. They have a great corporate culture and an amazing attitude towards their employees. I've been trying to find a good job fit with this company for almost a year now. After many, many, many interviews, I was the final candidate for the position.

As we sat down to discuss compensation, start date and other details, I found it deep down inside me to open my mouth and ask. Even though it was a part-time position, I asked if I could get health benefits. I explained that coming into this, I wasn't expecting benefits so it wasn't a deal breaker for me, but I'd be willing to take a reduced hourly rate in exchange for health coverage.

To my utter surprise, the recruiter said she'd check into it and see what they can do.

I got the official job offer yesterday.

And I'm getting health benefits!!

Ask for what you want! I would have *never* expected a part-time job to provide me with benefits. But by increasing my hours per week slightly, I qualify.

Have a good cry

Some days you need to sit down, wallow in self-pity and have a good cry. Just get it all out.

Today is one of those days.

But when you're a mom, you don't have the luxury of breaking down whenever the mood strikes you. Tends to freak out the little buggers running around your house.

Stiff upper lip and all that.

Back to work

I had my final interview today and am anxiously awaiting THE phone call.

This would be a part time job with flexible hours. I'm going to ask to work M-Th 8am-1pm. This would allow me to be home in time to pick Little M up from preschool and only Shaggy would need to be in daycare. Big M can take them to school and daycare before he heads to school each morning. Because of Big M's wacky class schedule this semester, he can't take them on Friday mornings; he has a class that begins at 8am (EW!). I'd be able to take Little M to school on Fridays if my employer agrees to these hours.

So. Here I sit. Staring at the phone. Willing it to ring.

I think I might lose my mind

This is Big M's LAST semester of school. He graduates May 16. May 17, I will be going into hibernation to recover.

Since this is his last semester, he has to take the remaining classes whenever they're scheduled regardless of how inconvenient it is.

The semester started out with an online class on Monday nights at home from 7-10pm. Ugh.

Tuesday nights are worse: 7-10pm at school. That means bed time is totally up to me and my bad back.

And now he has added a class on Wednesdays. 5-7pm.

I seriously might lose my mind. Or poke my brain out with a q-tip. Or give myself a lobotomy with a knitting needle.

In my house, the witching hour begins at 5pm. The kids are suddenly cranky, unruly and extremely hyper. Feeding them and getting them down for the night lasts until 9pm sometimes and it's physically, emotionally and psychologically draining at times.

Or am I just a crappy mom who can't cope? I wonder.

He's a good egg

My husband rocks.

I left the house at 8:30 this morning and drove from Richmond, VA to Burlington, NC with a four year old and a two and a half year old.

Then I drove back home around 4pm and the kids hadn't napped.

I was *not* looking forward to coming home and cleaning the house to get ready for a Southern Living At Home party I'm hosting tomorrow.

I walked in the front door and ...............................







the living room was spotless.

My husband rocks.

Hello? It's me, the martyr!

Lately I've been easily frustrated by a lot of small things adding up and weighing me down. Instead of letting each little thing go, I hold on to it a little bit and carry it with me. Then as these seemingly small things accumulate, I become increasingly more stressed and frustrated which falsely magnifies the importance of additional small issues. When asked, I can recount every single little trial and tribulation of my day, the previous three days, the last week or even quarter of the year.

Who cares? I mean, seriously... who cares???

Even I don't really care. I know I sure don't want to hear a laundry list of problems from someone else and when I hear myself running down my tally for the day, I cringe internally. I know that all these things are insignificant in the large scheme of life but I seem to be so willing to martyr myself as a woman and mother. What gives?? Why do I do this?

Well, I don't care why I do it anymore. I'm just not going to do it.

I'm going to stop, take a deep breath and exhale all the negative. I'm not afraid to share the reality of my life with others, but the reality is that there's so much more positive in my life than negative. It's easier to talk about the negative because that creates attention.

Money is tight; things are stressful; plans go awry. That's just life. The blips in my life are no worse than anyone else's.

I love my little family. I love our life. I love our future.

Now I need to work on loving where I am in my life and who I am in my life.

My CVS Trip

This has nothing to do with deals, ECBs, coupons or sales.

I took Little M to CVS with me today. When we got there, we saw two K9 cop cars with dogs barking. The entire time we were in the store, I talked to Little M about K9s, the police, etc. I was trying to be a good mom and use every-day occurrences to teach him a little extra. The cops came in to the store and were standing around waiting to use the picture machine.

While we were standing there, the one cop started chatting Little M up. I told them that I had been educating my son about their dogs and they liked that.

So I paid for my printer toner, then remembered I needed some copies of the sales fliers. As we were leaving, the one cop asked Little M if he wanted to see the dogs. We headed out and as I walked through the door, the alarm went off!!!!!!!!

OH THE IRONY!!!!!! Leaving the store with a COP who is doing us a FAVOR and the freakin' ALARM GOES OFF!!!





I. was. mortified.

Is it really a small world?

My grandmother came to America from Norway when she was four years old.

I have always dreamed of learning Norwegian and visiting Norway for six months to a year.

My husband graduates in May with his Chemical Engineering degree. He's looking for a job in Norway.

Small world, eh?

Yep. We're going to try to move to Norway. How crazy is that! They have the highest cost of living in Europe and the highest standard of living in the world. After the past four years of scrimping, pinching, and living from penny to penny, I'm ready to take a step up in my standard of living.

There are a lot of reasons why we want to move overseas and many reasons why we've chosen Norway. Oddly enough, my heritage had nothing to do with our choice!

It's an exciting and daunting prospect. I am looking forward to seeing how it all pans out.

I have found the karmic Bermuda Triangle

The brakes on my car stopped working while I was out w/ the kids. Like... pushing down as far as the brake pedal will go and barely making a difference.

So I take the kids in to get hair cuts while the car is being worked on. Little M. Poor Little M. He had the worst mullet I have EVER seen.

A year ago, Big M got Little M a buzz cut and I hated it. So I've been letting it grow out. And he's starting to get curls at the ends! But it's looking scraggly and the bangs were in his eyes so I asked for a trim.

It was SO bad. I had to fix it in the tub tonight and now a whole year of hair growth... gone.

And did I mention that our other car is dead?

And my back went out last week and I'm just now starting to be able to walk without pain?

Not to mention all the health problems of the past month...

I'm ready for my GOOD karma please.

Ok. Pity party over. Thank you. You may now return to your regularly scheduled blog surfing.

Uncle!! I GIVE!! UNCLE!!!

I don't know what kind of bad karma I have swirling around me but I'm sick of all of this!

Last night, I threw out my back. Big M had to help me get out the recliner because it hurt too much to try to use my lower back muscles. I cried trying to drive everyone around to their various destinations this morning. I took two anti-spasmodics last night but they didn't help.

WHAT UNIVERSE??? WHAT?? WHAT HAVE I DONE??? WHY??? Haven't I dealt with enough????

So. The kids have Trunk or Treat on Saturday. Guess who hasn't even started making their costumes? Yah. Little M has a class field trip tomorrow. Guess who is supposed to go? And tomorrow night? Yah.. hosting a potluck for some friends who got married last night. Oh, and I'm out of insulin and can't handle the pain to go to the store and try to get more so Big M will have to do that for me tonight.

Absolutely the worst time ever for this to happen. Just the worst.

Busy day tomorrow

9:45 am Parent-teacher conference

10:30 am Drop Big M off at work/school

10:50 am Follow up appointment with hand surgeon for Little M's finger injury

12:00 pm LUNCH!!

2:00 pm NAP TIME!!!

4:00 pm Pick up WIC checks and recertify the kids

5:00 pm Pick up Big M from work/school



I'm tired already.

I smell like poop

Little M is pretty much potty trained except for pooping. He has poop issues and generally poops at night, in bed, in a diaper.

Except today.

It was massive.

It was disgusting.

Big M cleaned the floor while I hosed off my son. Then I had to get the poop out of his underwear and pants. It was everywhere.

Now I smell like poop. I can't get the smell out of my nose.

There's no way to can tell a pregnant woman to expect these things because you really can't understand just how horrific and disgusting it can be -- and that you'll willingly deal with it -- until you're in the midst of it.

Motherhood: Poop Patrol with an Awkward Smile.