This is my year

This is my year to do better. I want to do better with my health - specifically my diabetes. Taking care of my diabetes will require better eating habits, more exercise and staying on top of my mediciations. Doing those three things will help me meet all my other goals - losing weight, increasing physical endurance, strengthening my core muscles to help with my bad back, etc.

Breakfast tends to be the hardest meal for me to manage my glucose. I decided to see how I'd do if I exercised right after eating. I took my full Lantus dosage (100 u) but took only half my Apidra dosage (15 u). My fasting blood sugar before breakfast was 77 which is great and gave me a good start on the day.

I did a mile on the treadmill in 16 minutes. Then 4 minutes of cool down, another half mile at a good pace and a final cool down for 4 minutes.

My blood sugar was 66!! That's too low (my goal is 80) but it proved to me that this exercise is crucial to managing my diabetes. It was amazing to see the immediate results!

I feel great about my effort and the results. Having these immediate results is a huge motivator and I'm determined to keep it up!

What am I doing at 3am?

I'm shoving food into my face because I took too much insulin and have low blood sugar.

I just inhaled the little caramel thingy for dipping apples, a glass of milk with Carnation Instant Breakfast and some raw cookie dough.

Of course I'll have to take some short acting insulin to balance out all that sugar. But when you go low, the primal urge to shove food into your face is overwhelming.

Hopefully the shakes will stop soon and I can go to sleep.

Ugh.

I cried the entire way home

This really isn't a diabetes blog but since this is the most overwhelming thing happening in my life, naturally I blog about it.

It's been tough. Really hard.

It's not just a change in my diet that is hard -- which it is -- but all the other small and large ways this is impacting my life. I am miserable all the time on so many levels.

There's the logistics of it.
I have to eat all of my meal, with no lingering or grazing or snacking. Then I have to wait two hours to test my blood sugar. I can't eat anything during that time. Most of the time I end up forgetting to test on time. I have to remember to take my short-acting insulin shot before eating, which means I have to remember to bring insulin with me everywhere in case I have to eat suddenly (due to low blood sugar) or if we spontaneously decide to eat out. Also have to remember to take my glucometer with me everywhere so I can test while we're out.

There's the meal planning and deciding what to eat.
I'm terrified of food right now. I feel so limited in what I can and can't eat. But I have to eat a sufficient amount because no food is just as bad for me as the wrong kinds of food or too much food. I feel guilty when I eat - like it's not good enough for what I need. For some reason, nothing tastes good anymore. And boy do I crave certain things, like Coke and cake and milk and and and... and anything that is high in carbs or sugar.

There's the physical reactions.
Having blood sugar lows is a very scary thing. It is miserable. And it usually wipes me out for the rest of the day. Especially if I bounce back with a sugar high after eating to stop the low. It's exhausting. There are times during lows when I can barely stand because my legs are so wobbly; my hands tremble so hard that I can't hold a drink. And my stomach is covered in bruises from the injections. My memory is shot which is scary because there's so much to remember - when did I eat, how much, how much insulin did I take, when do I test, when can I eat again, how much will I need to eat?

Then there's the emotional part.
I'm a mess all the time. I'm grumpy and grouchy. I'm tired. I'm exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. I have so much guilt about food and eating. I'm constantly on Red Alert that my children don't see me taking my shots; I'm just not ready for that yet. I feel very alone in dealing with this and I feel like no one really understands how all consuming this is. Every second of my day is consumed with my diabetes, what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. I feel like I can't even take care of my kids properly -- I'm too tired or I'm afraid I'm going to have a low while I'm out with them and won't be able to take care of them.

So there's my pity party. I'm not angry and I'm not feeling sorry for myself or wailing, "WHY ME???" I'm just sad about all of it and frustrated.

That's why when I had a bad low while at the mall play area with Shaggy this morning, I broke the straw on that poor camel. I started crying as soon as I sat in the driver's seat and didn't stop until after we got back home. It was just too much.

Chicken nuggets are my friend

At least, they are in theory.

The theory being that they are tasty, filling and low carb. The first two qualifiers are my criteria. The final qualifier is the diabetes' requirement.

I'm trying to readjust my brain to thinking in terms of foods that won't send my blood sugar sky-rocketing and it's tough. It makes me afraid to eat, and for a diabetic "not eating" is just as bad as eating the wrong foods.

No pasta, no rice, no potatoes, no breads -- well, in strict moderation and what fun is that? So much for that box of frozen perogis in my freezer. And all that frozen Bertolli bags I got for such an amazing deal? They'll never pass my lips now.

I know that I can adjust my eating habits to a more diabetic friendly menu. I know I can do it because I've done it before and was successful. It's the transition part that's hard. Emotionally letting go of pizza and pasta and ice cream and all the favorite guilty-pleasure-snacks is hard. It seems that convincing my brain cells to do some extra work and try to recall all the changes I previously made might be a tough task as well. I'm having a hard time remembering what worked when I did this before.

I found a support forum, so that will help. I'm going to keep digging around online for a couple more support communities. I feel like all I'm doing is whining to my friends and I don't want to be "that" person who can only talk about their illness. I know they care and are concerned, but there's a more appropriate audience for some of my whining and complaining and questions.

No, my husband doesn't beat me

But right now my arms sure do look like it! Finger pricks hourly, blood drawn every 2 or 3 hours, and two IVs. My arms are a map of bruises all in varying shades of brown, purple, yellow, blue and maroon.

I spent three days in the hospital last week with DKA - diabetic ketoacidosis. Honestly, I haven't read the linked page because I've been told it's pretty scary stuff. If I hadn't gone into the ER, I would have died. It's that simple.

So now I'm on twice a day insulin injections and checking my blood sugar regularly. I'm on a modified diet that really amounts to a lifestyle change.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm wallowing in self-pity. I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed. I'm scared of food.